Not all friendships last forever, in fact only about 1 in 12 friends end up being lifetime friends. And even those friendships have to change and become something new many times over as we all go through various life stages and moves. But all friendships are meant to enhance our lives and teach us new ways of loving people even if they don’t last forever so we want to learn how to leave people better for having spent time with us.
Very few people are actually “toxic” (a word we’re throwing around waaay too easily these days!) but that is not to say that the friendship we co-created with them might not be meeting our needs anymore.
If we’re starting to entertain the idea of our friend being toxic, then it is a good time to pause and answer the 5 questions below. In many cases we’re not so much mad at her for obvious “wrong-doings” she’s done as much as we are disappointed at the unspoken expectations we have of her that she didn’t live up to. We’re just as likely to call a friend “toxic” for not calling us enough: “I always have to do all the work in our relationship!”) as we are for a friend who calls too much (“She’s insatiable! She makes me feel guilty that I have a life and can’t talk every day!
Seeing that it often has less to do with their actions and more to do with our expectations and current needs reminds us that there is room for mature conversations to help grow the friendship into something that brings joy to both individuals!
The Five Friendship Threats
The five friendship threats that I highlight in my book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! are: blame, jealousy, judgment, neglect, and non-reciprocation.
Those five threats are the umbrella that every specific story of friendship frustration falls under, whether the judgment stems from us thinking she’s dating the wrong guy or that we interpret her canceling our plans as “selfish.” And, unfortunately, they can’t all be avoided. The truth is that we’re human, we have expectations of each other, and we have needs we want filled so we’re bound to experience these threats from time-to-time.
What we can do is be aware that some frustration and disappointment is normal in relationships, that we’re just as likely to be the subject of her annoyance as she is ours, and that the most important thing in these moments is deciding how we can best respond in ways that grow our friendship.
Five Questions to Ask Before Letting the Threats Lead to Demise:
Here are five questions that maturity invites us to ask before getting so frustrated with someone that we’re at risk of walking away from them instead of being willing to repair a friendship to something more meaningful than we’ve ever before experienced:
How can I show up a little more thoughtfully?Let’s first assume there is something we could do to enhance this friendship even if we feel she is the problem—what comes to mind? In other words—she may be jealous and we don’t want to play smaller to avoid her jealousy, but could we affirm her more? If we feel neglected, can we write her an email and say, “I miss you. Can we schedule some time together?” Go past asking if she deserves it, and just simply brainstorm what could be done if you had to do something?
Have I asked her what she needs? While the next two questions are super important in helping us articulate what we need, I sometimes find that providing space to ask her what we could do in our relationship to bring her more happinessis a fabulous way to often change the dynamic. If we sense she’s jealous or that she expects too much of us, sometimes simply allowing for that space to ask her can diffuse the problem, helping both of us navigate a path where we both feel more heard. Maybe some form of, “I’m sensing that you’re pulling away a bit (or feeling frustrated when we talk) maybe I’m imaging it… But, I wanted to check in with you to see if there was anything I could do differently in our friendship to make it more meaningful for you right now?” We often skip this step out of fear of hearing that we’re not meeting a need or fear that we can’t, or don’t want to, meet the need we’ll hear, but I’ve found that there is way less anger on both sides after she feels like we care enough to ask. And it’s completely acceptable to respond with an “Oh how I wish I could be that for you, but honestly I can’t give that kind of time right now. I am so sorry! Does it help that I’m still willing to x?”
What is it I actually want from her? For example, if we feel that we’re always the one giving more than the other (non-reciprocation), then pause and ask ourselves—what is it I actually want or need? If she just noticed what I gave and thanked me, would that be enough? Or is there a specific area I need her to give to me more? Or do I need to know what I do for her that means the most so I don’t waste my time or money giving to her in ways that aren’t all that important to her? When I’m upset that I’m over-giving, is it because she’s asking for too much or because I’m simply giving too much? What do I think I really need from her? And try to answer it with specificity, but also with knowing the root reason. In other words, instead of just saying ,”I need her to be there for me more,” try to say, “I need her to call me at least once a week… because what I really need is to know that I matter to her and that she’s thinking of me….”
Have I already asked her for what I need?We so often end friendships without taking the time to let the other person know what we need or how we feel. It doesn’t always have to be some big and difficult conversation as much as just some guidance where we can tell the other what’s more meaningful to us. If we feel frequently feel judged when she gives advice or opinions, then it’s appropriate to say, “I just need a friend to listen right now. I don’t need anyone to try to fix this.” If we feel like she’s jealous of our activities and feels left out, then we can follow-up her silence or passive-aggressive statement with, “Are you okay? I just had this feeling like maybe I’ve upset you somehow? I’d be so open to talking about it!”
What could forgivenesslook like in this situation? Sometimes, forgiveness means letting go of how we want someone to be in our lives and learning to love and enjoy them just as they are, trusting that they’ll keep growing and maturing along the way. But sometimes forgiveness also means setting boundaries or limiting our exposure to those who have hurt us. In this case, if it doesn’t have to be all or nothing, what kind of friendship might we still be able to enjoy?
If we feel we’ve owned our part, shown up with compassion and love for her own needs, and asked for what we’ve needed from the other and not gotten it– then it may be time to let this friendship drift apart a bit.
Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 35 cities across the U.S. and Canada. Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends. She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show. Twitter: @girlfrndcircles