by Betsy Brown Braun
As the big hand creeps its way toward midnight, most people give at least a fleeting thought to New Year resolutions. Those usually have to do with eating or exercise or a nagging behavior ripe for modification. And we all know how long those last: Not very. Instead, let’s talk about resolving to make some changes in your parenting–small adjustments that you can do and keep up, that will make a big difference in your life with your child.
Even the best (whatever that means!) of parents, has a list of things she thinks she could do better as a parent—not yell so much, get home earlier at night, be more patient. I’ll bet you have at least one of those on your own list, right?
Here are 5 parenting tips for the coming year you might want to add to your list, ones that you can easily put into practice.
- Listen to your kids. Sounds obvious, even ridiculous, doesn’t it? There is a reason we are given one mouth and two ears. Children want and need air time. And when they get it from you the unspoken message is: You matter. I care about what you have to say. Your ideas, thoughts, and opinions are worthy of being heard.So, slow down, wait, face your child, get on his level, and listen to what he has to say. Don’t talk over him, don’t finish his thoughts, and don’t hurry him to get on with it. The time you invest listening will pay immeasurable dividends.
- Count to 10.Before you respond to anything that is beyond the mundane with your child, pause. Do not react; do not say anything—no threats, no judgments, no punishments. Just wait. The space you create will allow you to think about your response. It will lessen the likelihood of a misfire on your part. We parents are often so quick on the trigger that we regret what has spewed forth. Only slightly easier than putting toothpaste back in the tube, taking back your hastily delivered judgments, crazy consequences, or insane threats is tricky. Pausing and counting to 10 will get you closer to the response you deliberately and wisely choose.
- Beware of hollow threats. Parents come up with the wildest threats when they are trying to get a child to do or notdo something. If you don’t come to the bath right now, we are not going to Disneyland on Saturday! Or If you don’t stop bothering your brother, I am giving away your new fire truck. Huh? Really? Not only do children smell your insincerity, but they know you will not follow through. Threats that are feasible, (especially ones that are logically related to the misbehavior), ones that you actually will carry out, are effective. Your child learns that you mean what you say. And the behavior stands a good chance of changing.
- Stay the course.When it comes to getting what they want, kids will go to all ends, and they have incredible tenacity. They beg, they whine, they hound, they negotiate, they debate, and they look for a chink in the armor. Don’t let them wear you down. If No is your answer, stick to your No. If you are not sure of your answer, steer clear of No and go with I need to think about it. Children who are raised with consistent, non-negotiable boundaries and limits are happier children. And remember one yes will sustain a child through a thousand no’s.
- Be good to yourself. Much like the “Oxygen Mask Theory,” a parent who takes care of herself will be a better parent. If you are spent, you are no good to anyone. You say things you regret; you channel the parent you swore you’d never be. So, have that massage or lunch with friends, say Noto one more committee chairmanship, turn over the reins one night and treat yourself to a hot, steamy bath. You will be the parent you want to be, and your whole family will reap the benefits.
Betsy Brown Braun, best selling author of Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents (HarperCollins) and You’re Not The Boss Of Me: Brat proofing Your Four To Twelve Year Old (HarperCollins), is a child development and behavior specialist, parent educator, multiple birth parenting consultant, and founder of Parenting Pathways®, Inc. Her parenting expertise has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, USA Today, U.S. News & World Report, Real Simple, American Baby, Cookie, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, In Style, Parenting, Parents, Pregnancy and Newborn, Twins, Woman’s Day, and, Working Mother, Colorado Parent Magazine, Ohio Valley Parent Magazine among other publications. She has shared her expertise on the Today Show multiple times. Other television appearances have included Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray, The Early Show, Good Morning America, Entertainment Tonight, Fox & Friends, Hallmark’s Home and Family, KCBS, KNBC, and Fox News LA. She contributes to KNX news radio on child development, and has been a guest on countless radio programs nationwide, including NPR. www.betsybrownbraun.com