by Dr. Gail Gross
Have you ever been in a fight with a friend, lover, or spouse, and found yourself becoming angry and out of control? Saying things in the heat of battle, which you wish you could take back? There is a way to avoid losing your temper and projecting out onto your spouse your own reactive behavior.
Healthy fighting begins with empathy. After all, this is your beloved with whom you are fighting. Furthermore, there is a positive and constructive way to disagree, problem-solve, and compromise.
Here are 10 tips for fighting fair:
- To fight as an adult, we recognize that no one is perfect.
We move our attitude from all or nothing to realistically accepting the foibles and failures of others without trying to convert them. This requires both planning and empathic communication. Yes, I’m actually telling you to plan your fight.
- Use my Empathic Process
First, find a time convenient for both of you, when you are will rested, and not distracted by outside circumstances, including hunger or time constraints. Now is the perfect time to engage in my empathic process. In fact, finding a weekly schedule for my empathic process can only serve to keep open, intimate conversation.
Second, find a neutral location for this exchange. Do not choose anyone’s office space or power place; no one’s bedroom or sexually-charged environment. One ideal option is the kitchen — the heart of the house, a place where alchemy happens.
Next, divide your communication into thirds. Give each partner the opportunity to speak one-third of the time, without defense. Listening should be both intimate and active … made even better with touch. Then, use the last third of the time for a mutual dialogue, a conversation completed with problem solving and compromise. The important message is to never defend accusations made by either partner. Remember, you can both criticize the problem without criticizing each other. And be descriptive in explaining your feelings, along with your thoughts, so your partner can ride the wave of your emotions with you. For example, instead of saying “I think,” say “I feel”. This is how we discover empathy for one another.
Also, when using my empathic process, fight fairly, never using any information about your mate in a negative way. Through the vulnerability of intimacy, your partner may reveal something tender – hold it sacred. If you use a shared confidence against your mate, you will never be given that confidence again.
- Simply and genuinely listen. Be there.
Be present in the moment. Really listening means opening your heart and shutting off any inner dialogue, which attempts to defensively answer your partner before he is finished speaking. Never interrupt, make eye contact, and focus on your partner with interest.
- Open your heart and be flexible.
Remember that you are a species in evolution and your life is ever in motion. Thus, people change… and situations change. Though we all fear the unfamiliar, by being flexible, you can be available to the change and growth of your partner and yourself.
- Be honest. Don’t perform for approval.
Say what you really feel, not what you think your partner wants to hear. Value yourself and validate yourself. If you do, your partner will value you as well. Mutuality is essential in relationships. So, listen to your inner voice and be who you authentically are. That is the only way to be loved for yourself.
Trust is based on experience. Don’t keep secrets from your mate that are important to your relationship. If you do, they will ultimately turn around and bite you. It is better for your partner to hear the truth of any situation from you. Once trust is broken, it is very difficult to rebuild.
- Don’t read your partner’s mind.
Don’t tell your mate how he feels. Listen, and let your partner tell you what is on his mind. For example, if he tells you he loves you, believe him. Never project your feelings onto the other. That only leads to fights centered on your projected material, and time lost fighting battles that do not exist.
- Honor the process.
Don’t try to make anything happen, but rather see where your dialogue takes you and trust that because you love each other, you are capable of going there.
- Keep your dialogue balanced.
Don’t use this fight to bring in earlier problems and disagreements. Don’t play the blame game using ammunition from older hurts and injuries.
- Stay open to your natural self.
Don’t act a role and behave in a way that is uncomfortable for you. If you’re sorry, say you’re sorry. Be at ease with your feelings. If you feel vulnerable, show your vulnerability. Love is a safe place, and you are loved because of who you are.
- Never save stamps in a relationship.
Don’t keep score. Don’t keep a running account of hurts and injuries. Keep in mind that the other person is your beloved, and therefore, don’t hold grudges.
If, in the end, your relationship is out-of-control, immediately seek professional counseling. Many relationships have been lost that could have been saved if only professional help was sought. Pride has no place in intimacy. We all make mistakes and have misunderstandings. And if the relationship cannot be saved, you are always free to leave.
Dr. Gail Gross, Ph.D., Ed.D., M.Ed., is a nationally recognized family and child development expert, author, and educator. Her positive and integrative approach to dif cult issues helps families navigate today’s complex problems. A dependable authority, Dr. Gross has contributed to broadcast, print and online media including CNN, FOX’s The O’Reilly Factor, MSNBC, The New York Times and USA Today. ABC, CBS and KHOU, Great Day Houston Show. She is a veteran radio talk show host as well as the host of the nationally syndicated PBS program, “Let’s Talk.” Dr. Gross’ soon-to-be second book, How to Build Your Baby’s Brain, teaches parents how to enhance a child’s learning potential through various developmental stages. Two additional books are slated to follow, including The Only Way Out Is Through, a Jungian approach to navigating life’s transitions including grieving, and De ning Moments, which recounts the de ning moments of celebrity guests as shared with Dr. Gross during interviews on PBS’ “Let’s Talk.” www.drgailgross.com